Solution to Obama Birther Problem

So a large percentage of my fellow Americans think Barack Obama was not born in the United States, even though his birth certificate is online. That has led to all kinds of strange things happening such as the birth of a "new" political party, the Tea Party; soldiers being unwilling to take orders from their commander in chief because they don't think he's a citizen, etc.

I think Barack, sorry, Mr. President, has a bit of a credibility problem on his hands and as a loyal member of the left coast liberal pseudo-elite I have just the solution. Urkel Obama needs to hop on in the hot tub time machine, turn the dial to August 4, 1961, and hold up a copy of that day's Time magazine , while surfing the big waves up on the North Shore with Laird Hamilton's dad. This should end any lingering questions about his citizenship and let the country move forward to new and more pressing issues, like whether or not this is a sandwich.

Phoenix + Miike Snow + SF - Lars = Strong to Quite Strong

I'm pretty excited about this weekend. Actually, I'm only half excited. The half I'm excited about is seeing two great shows in northern California in two days. Friday night I'll be seeing Miike Snow perform in San Francisco and then Saturday I'll be driving down to Santa Cruz to hear my favorite band of the moment, Phoenix.

I saw Phoenix last year at my favorite L.A. venue, The Greek Theatre, and they absolutely destroyed it. Best show I've been to. So I'm very excited about seeing them again and seeing what Miike Snow sounds like live.

The half I'm not excited about is traveling with my nemesis, Lars. My long time readers will know Lars from such adventures as Thanksgiving 2006 and Tijuana 2004. He also serves as someone I can dominate at trivia, basketball, tennis, and most other things besides playing first person video games. Lars seems to excel at fake warfare games. The Jj is quite alright at being less than Lars in this particular endeavor.

So it's likely to be a bitter sweet weekend. I'll just grin and bear the presence of Lars beside me in planes, trains, automobiles and music venues all weekend. Should anyone ask, of course I'll deny knowing that Swede standing awkwardly close to me though. Hopefully NorCal 2010 will be closer to Thanksgiving levels of greatness than Tijuana levels of hell.

Most Pressing Ben Roethlisberger Questions...

Does he shave the side of his head to accentuate his mullet?

If so, why?

If anyone who follows this blog attended Miami University with him and/or is a Steelers fan and wants to chime in on his choice of haircuts, please post a comment to explain this baffling choice.

UBS (in translation)

Ever feel like you just don't understand why on earth bankers' email signature lines are so long with warning lines? Ever wonder what they really mean? Luckily the Jj is here for all your translation of legalese needs. Please enjoy the below translation of a UBS warning line. It is merely representative and by no means the only bank that uses such ridiculous language.

Please do not transmit orders or instructions regarding a UBS account electronically, including but not limited to e-mail, fax, text or instant messaging (because text messaging me that you want to buy a synthetic CDO while I'm trying to drink my 1787 Chateau Lafite is just so uncouth).

The information provided in this e-mail or any attachments is not an official transaction confirmation or account statement (it's just a freaking email, the whole point of UBS is that we purposely DON'T keep your orders or records or anything that could point the IRS to your Swiss bank account).

For your protection, do not include account numbers, Social Security numbers, credit card numbers, passwords or other non-public information in your e-mail (that's our job to do from time to time when our system is hacked).

Because the information contained in this message may be privileged, confidential, proprietary or otherwise protected from disclosure, please notify us immediately by replying to this message and deleting it from your computer if you have received this communication in error. (And by God if you have read this far into our ridiculous warning line you're so by the book that you actually probably WILL do that, weird0). Thank you (for your money).

UBS Financial Services Inc. (we pay no corporate taxes yippee!!)

UBS Financial Services Incorporated of Puerto Rico (but just in case we went ahead and run any profits through Puerto Rico, they don't really care much about "laws" down there and it's a pretty quick flight to the Cayman Islands from there too, just in case)

UBS AG (we just threw this in, looks cool huh?)

UBS reserves the right to retain all messages (just not the incriminating ones).

Messages are protected and accessed only in legally justified cases (i.e. NEVER!)

Not Much of a Prognosticator

Well, neither of my Masters picks put on the green jacket last night. This goes with the larger life lesson for the Jj, never gamble. I am, by far, the world's worst gambler. There is a great deal of money to be made betting AGAINST me. I pick with my heart, not with my head, and that is rarely a recipe for gambling success. I will always pick those I feel some sort of bond too, against better judgment.

That's why I went for Big Sexy and Ricky Barnes in the Masters. Those guys are just more interesting to me than Phil. Don't get me wrong, I love Phil and the symbolism of his victory in Tiger's face was not lost on me, but nothing is better than seeing a new face win. I don't begrudge the great their continued success, but nothing beats the thrill of the first time major victory I suspect. Heck I even cheered for Phil back in 2004 when he finally broke through. I jumped up in the air just like him on that final putt. That's what a first time victory will do for me.

So here's hoping none of my loyal followers ever put money where my mouth is. In fact, I recommend you do just the opposite. Bet against me and just send 10% my way. If I got 10% of all of your gambling winnings I could quit my job and post more nonsense on this blog. And isn't that what we all really want anyway?

Masters Weekend!

Is there anything better than Masters weekend? Virtually non-stop golf action for two straight days and the leaderboard this year is particularly stacked. There's the guy who still isn't going to win it. The old guy, the old guy in skater shoes, a couple of Brits and, the eventual winner Ricky Barnes.

I know you're not going to buy this now, but my American pick to win this thing was Ricky. Life got in the way of posting that before the tournament started, but Ricky has been playing well lately, especially in majors. He's got the game to win this thing and I think he's going to break through this week.

You gotta cheer for a guy from freaking Stockton. How many world class golfers come out of Stockton? Plus he had the good sense to go to Arizona for college. If there's one piece of advice I'd give my son (as a guy who went to an all-male college in a cold weather climate) it would be to choose your university based on three factors: 1) number of days of sun per year, 2) percentage of hot women on campus, 3) number of golf courses in the area. Ricky clearly picked the best school for all of those options. He is a wise man. And that is why he's my pick to win the Masters this year.

Hermosa Slip 'N Slide

Many of you may be wondering what on earth Hermosa Beach is doing to pier avenue. The entire middle lane has been shut down for months and huge water mains have been placed into the ground. You might have suspected this just had to do with simple sewer updating. Not so, the Hermosa Beach City Council recently approved the world's largest slip n slide that will run right down the middle of the pier and end with a splash down at the end of the Pier into the Pacific Ocean.

Local resident Lars Jacobson said "I'm so excited for the new Hermosa slip n slide; look at this belly, I can do one hell of a belly-flop into the ocean!"

Hermosa Beach Mayor, Michael DiVirgilio, said "we're excited to have the world's largest slip n slide in our city. What really makes Hermosa stand out from other beach cities is our focus on fun, family activities. Just look at Sharkeez, good wholesome family fun over a shark attack any day of the week."

However, some residents of Hermosa Beach are not as supportive of the project as others. Eric Brooks said "I can't really swim very well, what good does this do me besides maybe getting to see a few more girls in bikinis than usual? Wait never mind, I love girls in bikinis, I'm all for this project!"

Former Hermosa Beach resident, Casey Winters, summed up neighboring beach cities opinion like this, "Hermosa is so 2000 and late; El Porto rules!"

Despite tepid excitement from other beach cities, Hermosa plans to go forward with it's slip n slide plan in hopes of attracting the Raging Waters clientele featured in the picture accompanying this article. The inaugural slip n slide will take place on July 4th, just after the second annual Hermosa Haddad 1k.