UBS (in translation)

Ever feel like you just don't understand why on earth bankers' email signature lines are so long with warning lines? Ever wonder what they really mean? Luckily the Jj is here for all your translation of legalese needs. Please enjoy the below translation of a UBS warning line. It is merely representative and by no means the only bank that uses such ridiculous language.

Please do not transmit orders or instructions regarding a UBS account electronically, including but not limited to e-mail, fax, text or instant messaging (because text messaging me that you want to buy a synthetic CDO while I'm trying to drink my 1787 Chateau Lafite is just so uncouth).

The information provided in this e-mail or any attachments is not an official transaction confirmation or account statement (it's just a freaking email, the whole point of UBS is that we purposely DON'T keep your orders or records or anything that could point the IRS to your Swiss bank account).

For your protection, do not include account numbers, Social Security numbers, credit card numbers, passwords or other non-public information in your e-mail (that's our job to do from time to time when our system is hacked).

Because the information contained in this message may be privileged, confidential, proprietary or otherwise protected from disclosure, please notify us immediately by replying to this message and deleting it from your computer if you have received this communication in error. (And by God if you have read this far into our ridiculous warning line you're so by the book that you actually probably WILL do that, weird0). Thank you (for your money).

UBS Financial Services Inc. (we pay no corporate taxes yippee!!)

UBS Financial Services Incorporated of Puerto Rico (but just in case we went ahead and run any profits through Puerto Rico, they don't really care much about "laws" down there and it's a pretty quick flight to the Cayman Islands from there too, just in case)

UBS AG (we just threw this in, looks cool huh?)

UBS reserves the right to retain all messages (just not the incriminating ones).

Messages are protected and accessed only in legally justified cases (i.e. NEVER!)