Sign of the Times

So recently Columbia's General Studies (what the hell is that anyway?) valedictorian, Brian Corman, ripped of a large chunk of a comedy routine by Patton Oswalt during his valedictory speech. Now I think Patton is kind of a douche personally, but there is no doubting his talent. If he were in the NBA one would likely say "he got game." But he's a slow, white, geeky chump so clearly his choice of comedy over the NBA was a good one. But I digress.

In any event Mr. Corman aka the guy who for all eternity will have his first google result be "plagiarized valedictory speech" will be going to law school in the fall. So let's see what we've learned here.

1) The world is going to hell in a hand basket (no citation needed).

2) Columbia is an Ivy League school where being valedictorian would presumably mean something, even if it's in General Studies/4 years of dorking around on dad's dime.

3) A guy who is stupid enough to blatantly rip off his valedictory speech from a slow white geeky chump is also presumably "smart" enough to be a valedictorian in the first place and then get into law school (and no doubt a good one that will ultimately result in him getting a big firm/high-paying job).

Lesson:

Please for goodness sakes do not be impressed by those who we are told we should be impressed with. Ivy Leaguers have all the big jobs in the big offices, but for no other reason really than tradition and someone has to sit in there and pay rent. Mr. Corman cheated, lied, and plagiarized his way to the top and that, in a nutshell, is how it's done. I don't begrudge Mr. Corman his success, such that it is. I see that he has gotten to his stature the same way his predecessors have, by any means possible.

This is all just a sign of the times. We're on the slow downhill slide; to where, I don't know, but the road to hell is surely paved with jokes by Patton Oswalt.

I used to be a fan of Carmelo

Now I'm not so sure. Pink pants, a cardigan and getting off the rainbow bus with a man purse? Wow. I'm going to have to rethink this one.

Girls Gone Grabblin'

There are things the Jj misses about living in the south. Spending hot summer afternoons muddin' in four wheel drive trucks, cow tippin, watching NASCAR, eating at the Waffle House, etc. But perhaps the thing I miss most is watching the beautiful Southern women fish.

Sounds boring right? Well, Southern women don't fish quite the same way you might imagine. No, Southern women aren't lazy fishers. They don't just sit in a comfortable fishing boat, throw a line in the water every few minutes and relax. No, these women like to get their hands dirty and get in the water with the fish.

So sit your lazy, non-Southern ass down in front of your computer screen and watch these wonderful women grabblin some catfish. If you feel a little emasculated, you know you're not a redneck man capable of handling a woman of such a high class upbringing.

Retirement

Lorena Ochoa's retirement from the LPGA today, at the age of 28 got me thinking about how great it would be if other professions had early retirements complete with press releases. Here's what I'd want my press release to read like for my retirement:

The Jj, the world's top-ranked nonsense blogger, announced his retirement Tuesday.

Jj, 31, confirmed the news in a statement released by his management company, Jj Group. A news conference is scheduled for Friday in Redondo Beach.

The L.A. Times, citing an anonymous source, reported on Tuesday that the Jj could return to competitive blogging after his indefinite break.

"It is not a goodbye but a see-you-later," the source told the Times.

Although the Jj has been in top form this year, he felt like he had reached a creative peak with his evisceration of Lars in his most recent posts and found it too easy to dominate the Swede.

The Jj, 1st on the 2010 best looking blogging list, won his fourth straight most awesome blogger from Redondo Beach who calls himself the Jj award last year.

He has launched two wildly successful blogs including the current worldwide phenomenon to go with his previous chart topping WhatsJivDoinNow? His blogging has been compared to the writing of Fitzgerald, Hemingway and Shakespeare, if they had a crazy orgy with Grace Kelly, Penelope Cruz and Mother Teresa who then all simultaneously gave birth to the prodigal son who just talked about his goings on in a small beach community on a near daily basis. The Jj has $14.2 million in career AdSense earnings.

"The Jj's very happy with his life and wants to focus on his family, but he won't be afraid to use his time off to take Lars to the hole and score on him at will" the source told the Times.

HSC...More Preppy Than SMU

Once again, I have defeated my nemesis. It's not easy being the Jj, and even less easy being Lars. This just released poll right rightfully places my alma mater at the top of the most preppie colleges in America. SMU, Lars' former stomping grounds came in a distant 9th on the list. Oh snap....if you will.

HSC is clearly the most preppy school in the land, as the picture above illustrates. Even the illustrious Urban Dictionary knows what's up. "A Hampden-Sydney man is white, rich, well bred, conservative, and drinks more beer than water. It is also fair to say that most Hampden-Sydney men get more play than any other group of guys in America. Sydney owns." Truer words have never been spoken.

The picture above is a perfect example of the awesomeness that is HSC. Notice the array of colored khakis, the Croakies, and the quintessentially preppy staple the HSC belt. These young men are clearly well versed in what makes a man a preppie.

Notice however the SMU person in the picture. He is easy to spot. It's the dufus with the jeans on and sunglasses hung on his shirt like an ordinary Democrat. It's shameful. HSC men would never be caught dead in such attire.

Yet again the Jj's domination of Lars in all worthwhile life endeavors continues. Sorry Lars, you're just not that preppie.

I'm a Cheater

I want to get something off my chest. I'm a cheater. I have cheated on someone who has opened my heart to new music. Who has been there for me when I was down and taken me to higher heights than I ever thought I could go.

But this new girl, she's just so sexy and cute. She lets me play anything I want on her any time I want. I don't have to skip anything with her because she lets me have it all when I want it. I like that. Call me selfish, I want what I want, when I want it. I don't like to be teased.

I feel so naughty and a little dirty but darn it I think Pandora would understand. LaLa is just what I need in my life right now. I'm sorry Pandora. It's me not you. Maybe someday we can be together again, but right now I have to see how this LaLa thing works out. I hope you understand. I'll always remember our great times together, they were really special.

Solution to Obama Birther Problem

So a large percentage of my fellow Americans think Barack Obama was not born in the United States, even though his birth certificate is online. That has led to all kinds of strange things happening such as the birth of a "new" political party, the Tea Party; soldiers being unwilling to take orders from their commander in chief because they don't think he's a citizen, etc.

I think Barack, sorry, Mr. President, has a bit of a credibility problem on his hands and as a loyal member of the left coast liberal pseudo-elite I have just the solution. Urkel Obama needs to hop on in the hot tub time machine, turn the dial to August 4, 1961, and hold up a copy of that day's Time magazine , while surfing the big waves up on the North Shore with Laird Hamilton's dad. This should end any lingering questions about his citizenship and let the country move forward to new and more pressing issues, like whether or not this is a sandwich.

Phoenix + Miike Snow + SF - Lars = Strong to Quite Strong

I'm pretty excited about this weekend. Actually, I'm only half excited. The half I'm excited about is seeing two great shows in northern California in two days. Friday night I'll be seeing Miike Snow perform in San Francisco and then Saturday I'll be driving down to Santa Cruz to hear my favorite band of the moment, Phoenix.

I saw Phoenix last year at my favorite L.A. venue, The Greek Theatre, and they absolutely destroyed it. Best show I've been to. So I'm very excited about seeing them again and seeing what Miike Snow sounds like live.

The half I'm not excited about is traveling with my nemesis, Lars. My long time readers will know Lars from such adventures as Thanksgiving 2006 and Tijuana 2004. He also serves as someone I can dominate at trivia, basketball, tennis, and most other things besides playing first person video games. Lars seems to excel at fake warfare games. The Jj is quite alright at being less than Lars in this particular endeavor.

So it's likely to be a bitter sweet weekend. I'll just grin and bear the presence of Lars beside me in planes, trains, automobiles and music venues all weekend. Should anyone ask, of course I'll deny knowing that Swede standing awkwardly close to me though. Hopefully NorCal 2010 will be closer to Thanksgiving levels of greatness than Tijuana levels of hell.

Most Pressing Ben Roethlisberger Questions...

Does he shave the side of his head to accentuate his mullet?

If so, why?

If anyone who follows this blog attended Miami University with him and/or is a Steelers fan and wants to chime in on his choice of haircuts, please post a comment to explain this baffling choice.

UBS (in translation)

Ever feel like you just don't understand why on earth bankers' email signature lines are so long with warning lines? Ever wonder what they really mean? Luckily the Jj is here for all your translation of legalese needs. Please enjoy the below translation of a UBS warning line. It is merely representative and by no means the only bank that uses such ridiculous language.

Please do not transmit orders or instructions regarding a UBS account electronically, including but not limited to e-mail, fax, text or instant messaging (because text messaging me that you want to buy a synthetic CDO while I'm trying to drink my 1787 Chateau Lafite is just so uncouth).

The information provided in this e-mail or any attachments is not an official transaction confirmation or account statement (it's just a freaking email, the whole point of UBS is that we purposely DON'T keep your orders or records or anything that could point the IRS to your Swiss bank account).

For your protection, do not include account numbers, Social Security numbers, credit card numbers, passwords or other non-public information in your e-mail (that's our job to do from time to time when our system is hacked).

Because the information contained in this message may be privileged, confidential, proprietary or otherwise protected from disclosure, please notify us immediately by replying to this message and deleting it from your computer if you have received this communication in error. (And by God if you have read this far into our ridiculous warning line you're so by the book that you actually probably WILL do that, weird0). Thank you (for your money).

UBS Financial Services Inc. (we pay no corporate taxes yippee!!)

UBS Financial Services Incorporated of Puerto Rico (but just in case we went ahead and run any profits through Puerto Rico, they don't really care much about "laws" down there and it's a pretty quick flight to the Cayman Islands from there too, just in case)

UBS AG (we just threw this in, looks cool huh?)

UBS reserves the right to retain all messages (just not the incriminating ones).

Messages are protected and accessed only in legally justified cases (i.e. NEVER!)

Not Much of a Prognosticator

Well, neither of my Masters picks put on the green jacket last night. This goes with the larger life lesson for the Jj, never gamble. I am, by far, the world's worst gambler. There is a great deal of money to be made betting AGAINST me. I pick with my heart, not with my head, and that is rarely a recipe for gambling success. I will always pick those I feel some sort of bond too, against better judgment.

That's why I went for Big Sexy and Ricky Barnes in the Masters. Those guys are just more interesting to me than Phil. Don't get me wrong, I love Phil and the symbolism of his victory in Tiger's face was not lost on me, but nothing is better than seeing a new face win. I don't begrudge the great their continued success, but nothing beats the thrill of the first time major victory I suspect. Heck I even cheered for Phil back in 2004 when he finally broke through. I jumped up in the air just like him on that final putt. That's what a first time victory will do for me.

So here's hoping none of my loyal followers ever put money where my mouth is. In fact, I recommend you do just the opposite. Bet against me and just send 10% my way. If I got 10% of all of your gambling winnings I could quit my job and post more nonsense on this blog. And isn't that what we all really want anyway?

Masters Weekend!

Is there anything better than Masters weekend? Virtually non-stop golf action for two straight days and the leaderboard this year is particularly stacked. There's the guy who still isn't going to win it. The old guy, the old guy in skater shoes, a couple of Brits and, the eventual winner Ricky Barnes.

I know you're not going to buy this now, but my American pick to win this thing was Ricky. Life got in the way of posting that before the tournament started, but Ricky has been playing well lately, especially in majors. He's got the game to win this thing and I think he's going to break through this week.

You gotta cheer for a guy from freaking Stockton. How many world class golfers come out of Stockton? Plus he had the good sense to go to Arizona for college. If there's one piece of advice I'd give my son (as a guy who went to an all-male college in a cold weather climate) it would be to choose your university based on three factors: 1) number of days of sun per year, 2) percentage of hot women on campus, 3) number of golf courses in the area. Ricky clearly picked the best school for all of those options. He is a wise man. And that is why he's my pick to win the Masters this year.

Hermosa Slip 'N Slide

Many of you may be wondering what on earth Hermosa Beach is doing to pier avenue. The entire middle lane has been shut down for months and huge water mains have been placed into the ground. You might have suspected this just had to do with simple sewer updating. Not so, the Hermosa Beach City Council recently approved the world's largest slip n slide that will run right down the middle of the pier and end with a splash down at the end of the Pier into the Pacific Ocean.

Local resident Lars Jacobson said "I'm so excited for the new Hermosa slip n slide; look at this belly, I can do one hell of a belly-flop into the ocean!"

Hermosa Beach Mayor, Michael DiVirgilio, said "we're excited to have the world's largest slip n slide in our city. What really makes Hermosa stand out from other beach cities is our focus on fun, family activities. Just look at Sharkeez, good wholesome family fun over a shark attack any day of the week."

However, some residents of Hermosa Beach are not as supportive of the project as others. Eric Brooks said "I can't really swim very well, what good does this do me besides maybe getting to see a few more girls in bikinis than usual? Wait never mind, I love girls in bikinis, I'm all for this project!"

Former Hermosa Beach resident, Casey Winters, summed up neighboring beach cities opinion like this, "Hermosa is so 2000 and late; El Porto rules!"

Despite tepid excitement from other beach cities, Hermosa plans to go forward with it's slip n slide plan in hopes of attracting the Raging Waters clientele featured in the picture accompanying this article. The inaugural slip n slide will take place on July 4th, just after the second annual Hermosa Haddad 1k.

Quick Moment of Silence for the Miners

It's hard being a coal miner. It's a thankless, risky, health-wrecking job, but a lot of wonderful West Virginians have been going into the mines for generations so that you and I can have electricity to run our gadgets. My dislike for coal companies and their business model, especially Massey and its CEO Don Blankenship, is no secret, but I don't begrudge the hard-working miners their lifestyle one bit. Those people are heroes and today is a sad day in mountains of southern West Virginia. Keep those brave people and their families in your thoughts.

Masters Predictions

It's almost time for my favorite sporting event of the year, the Masters. I love it for many reasons, not least of which being the extraordinarily low amount of commercials. If there is one thing I hate in this world it is commercials.

And I know that the story this week is about one man, and one man only, but I've got a news flash for you, he ain't gonna win this thing. There is no way anyone, even that guy, can come back from five months off, at Augusta, and win.

So who will win? Over the next three days I'll give my predictions for the three guys with the best shot. Starting with that guy over there, Big Sexy.

Miguel Angel Jiminez is, quite possibly, the most interesting man in the world. Let's just look at what Wikipedia has to say about Miguel.

"He is known as 'The Mechanic' for his preference for repairing, rather than driving, high performance vehicles, especially his gleaming red Ferrari." That's a damn fine start for most interesting man in the world. What's next?

He was the first person to score an albatross in competition, with a 3 iron.

He has a ponytail at age 46, and looks cool doing it. Maybe it's because of the ever-present Cuban cigar balancing things out. Which, by the way, he's a true cigar aficionado and wine lover in addition to driving around his aforementioned personally repaired Ferraris.

He also has 19 wins worldwide and is ranked 38th in the world while doing "nothing" in the offseason to improve his game.

So Big Sexy is my sleeper pick to win the Masters this year. Stay tuned tomorrow for my pick of the American with the best chance to put on a green jacket this year.

The End of My Hipster Posts

I love google. There are many reasons for this love, so many I won't bore you with them. But at this moment my love for the google stems from a spot on search result I just got back.

I've been caught up on the idea of hipsters and authenticity lately and felt like I just hadn't been able to capture what was so depressing about it all. Then I remembered my old friend google and now I can move on with my life. After typing in "authenticity ruined hipster" I was sent to this link and Douglas Haddow succinctly said what I had been wanting to say. And in 2008 no less.

So dear readers, consider yourself saved from any further ruminations on hipsters. I will now move forward into other subject matter that, hopefully, will someday top the list of someone's google use and save them days, months, maybe even years of pondering with a simple link to a well written blog post by the Jj.

It was depressing to read such a thoughtful argument for why hipsters = the decline of Western civilization, but I almost completely agree with Haddow's final paragraph:

"We are a lost generation, desperately clinging to anything that feels real, but too afraid to become it ourselves. We are a defeated generation, resigned to the hypocrisy of those before us, who once sang songs of rebellion and now sell them back to us. We are the last generation, a culmination of all previous things, destroyed by the vapidity that surrounds us. The hipster represents the end of Western civilization – a culture so detached and disconnected that it has stopped giving birth to anything new."

I am not resigned to that conclusion and I think we are capable of more, I just don't know how yet. But for every fauxhemian out there I'm willing to bet there are a greater amount of people not afraid to become real. So if there is a lesson in all of this, it's be real. Truly real. Doing so might, just might save Western civilization.

Hip or Faux?

For some reason I've been thinking, and reading, a lot about hipsters lately. I feel like there is a shift afoot that is turning the tide against hipsters. Websites mocking them are leading to book deals, articles are portending their demise, and they even have a new name, "fauxhemians."

Fauxhemians. Something about that word seems so right to me. It never struck me that these hipsters were, in fact, hip. Hipsters tended to remind me of those kids in high school who wore all black to show just how outside the mainstream they were. I never believed it was about outsiderism as much as it was about blending in with their chosen crowd.

I think the same about fauxhemians. I think the tide has turned against the fauxhemian because we are starting to see that they are not glamorous or people who should be idolized, but rather a large group of people who, in the search for authenticity, have become the most inauthentic, faux, people imaginable. Nothing grates on Americans' nerves more than hypocrisy and I see hipsters as incredibly hypocritical at times.

Let's just analyze one hipster in the picture above. Notice the various elements of feigned authenticity - the ironic mustache modeled after the idea of real Americans such as cops; the PBR symbolizing a shared camaraderie with the underclass who want strong, cheap beer after a hard day's work (something a hipster probably has never put in); the simple v neck t shirt hearkening back to a bygone era of simpler fashion and a simpler way of life. Of of these things grate on us on a visceral level because when you have commercialized and gentrified the most simple and previously authentic ideas and styles, what is left to corrupt? So now we no longer lovingly refer to this merry band of misfits as hipsters and look to them to guide our fashion choices, but instead look upon them with disdain as nothing more than underemployed slacker fauxhemians, and perhaps that is a good thing.

It's a damn fine day to be a Mountaineer

Although I'm not in West Virginia today I've heard reports that the sun is shining and the air is warm. Here on the West Coast it's a beautiful day; perfect drinking weather, if you will.

And today just happens to be the day that the West Virginia Mountaineers are looking to beat Duke for the second time in three years, with a little more on the line this time than last. I can just imagine Da'Sean having the ball is his hands as time runs down tonight. There is no one in the country I'd rather have in that spot than Da'Sean. It's like the Lakers having Kobe. You know he's getting the ball, but you just can't stop him.

It doesn't get any better than having the opportunity to knock the most hated team in the land out of the tournament while advancing to the championship game. I feel good and I think it's going to be a damn fine day to be a Mountaineer!

Let's GOOOOOO Moutaineers!!!!

Hipeer

As many of you know, The Jj is originally from the great state of West Virginia. Yeah I know you were once in Richmond and liked it, but that's in a whole different state, there are 50 of them now believe it or not.

Anyway, there has never been a better time to hail from the Mountain state. The football team has enjoyed a resurgence over the past five years led by Pat White and Steve Slaton. And of course, the basketball team is currently in Indianapolis (perhaps the only state capital more depressing than Charleston, WV) for the Final Four. Not since Jerry West ruled the hardwood has WVU been in the Final Four.

So it's not surprising to find out that those adorable hipsters in Brooklyn (where most of WVU's basketball team hails from) have picked up on one of West Virginia's finest exports, the coonskin cap. It's warm, stylish and oh so mountainy. You can almost smell the Appalachian Mountains when you put it on.

So I urge you all to get in on this trend while it's hot. It's not every day the rest of the country can pull off what we mountaineers have been pulling off for generations, a recently killed coon, complete with neck warming tail.

http://gawker.com/5502178/coonskin-caps-the-latest-fauxhemian-fashion-must+have

The Jj...back and better than ever

Fans, I have kept you waiting in silence for too long. I am back and committed to a more regular posts so that you can (hopefully) be entertained.

First thoughts from almost a year away?

Working at a university rather than a law firm KICKS ASS. If I never see another billable hour again it'll be too soon.

The more things change the more things stay the same. Lars is still my nemesis, I am still the wiffleball MVP, the South Bay is still home. But things seem somehow different and more fun now, so hopefully that will make for some good posting going forward.

We'll be addressing all the big topics in coming posts: why is Phoenix the best band of the moment? Is the W Scottsdale the most awesome place ever? Are the WVU Mountaineers really in the Final Four? And so much more. Stay tuned everyone, it's going to be a fun ride.