Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Sign of the Times

So recently Columbia's General Studies (what the hell is that anyway?) valedictorian, Brian Corman, ripped of a large chunk of a comedy routine by Patton Oswalt during his valedictory speech. Now I think Patton is kind of a douche personally, but there is no doubting his talent. If he were in the NBA one would likely say "he got game." But he's a slow, white, geeky chump so clearly his choice of comedy over the NBA was a good one. But I digress.

In any event Mr. Corman aka the guy who for all eternity will have his first google result be "plagiarized valedictory speech" will be going to law school in the fall. So let's see what we've learned here.

1) The world is going to hell in a hand basket (no citation needed).

2) Columbia is an Ivy League school where being valedictorian would presumably mean something, even if it's in General Studies/4 years of dorking around on dad's dime.

3) A guy who is stupid enough to blatantly rip off his valedictory speech from a slow white geeky chump is also presumably "smart" enough to be a valedictorian in the first place and then get into law school (and no doubt a good one that will ultimately result in him getting a big firm/high-paying job).


Please for goodness sakes do not be impressed by those who we are told we should be impressed with. Ivy Leaguers have all the big jobs in the big offices, but for no other reason really than tradition and someone has to sit in there and pay rent. Mr. Corman cheated, lied, and plagiarized his way to the top and that, in a nutshell, is how it's done. I don't begrudge Mr. Corman his success, such that it is. I see that he has gotten to his stature the same way his predecessors have, by any means possible.

This is all just a sign of the times. We're on the slow downhill slide; to where, I don't know, but the road to hell is surely paved with jokes by Patton Oswalt.

Monday, May 3, 2010

I used to be a fan of Carmelo

Now I'm not so sure. Pink pants, a cardigan and getting off the rainbow bus with a man purse? Wow. I'm going to have to rethink this one.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Girls Gone Grabblin'

There are things the Jj misses about living in the south. Spending hot summer afternoons muddin' in four wheel drive trucks, cow tippin, watching NASCAR, eating at the Waffle House, etc. But perhaps the thing I miss most is watching the beautiful Southern women fish.

Sounds boring right? Well, Southern women don't fish quite the same way you might imagine. No, Southern women aren't lazy fishers. They don't just sit in a comfortable fishing boat, throw a line in the water every few minutes and relax. No, these women like to get their hands dirty and get in the water with the fish.

So sit your lazy, non-Southern ass down in front of your computer screen and watch these wonderful women grabblin some catfish. If you feel a little emasculated, you know you're not a redneck man capable of handling a woman of such a high class upbringing.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


Lorena Ochoa's retirement from the LPGA today, at the age of 28 got me thinking about how great it would be if other professions had early retirements complete with press releases. Here's what I'd want my press release to read like for my retirement:

The Jj, the world's top-ranked nonsense blogger, announced his retirement Tuesday.

Jj, 31, confirmed the news in a statement released by his management company, Jj Group. A news conference is scheduled for Friday in Redondo Beach.

The L.A. Times, citing an anonymous source, reported on Tuesday that the Jj could return to competitive blogging after his indefinite break.

"It is not a goodbye but a see-you-later," the source told the Times.

Although the Jj has been in top form this year, he felt like he had reached a creative peak with his evisceration of Lars in his most recent posts and found it too easy to dominate the Swede.

The Jj, 1st on the 2010 best looking blogging list, won his fourth straight most awesome blogger from Redondo Beach who calls himself the Jj award last year.

He has launched two wildly successful blogs including the current worldwide phenomenon to go with his previous chart topping WhatsJivDoinNow? His blogging has been compared to the writing of Fitzgerald, Hemingway and Shakespeare, if they had a crazy orgy with Grace Kelly, Penelope Cruz and Mother Teresa who then all simultaneously gave birth to the prodigal son who just talked about his goings on in a small beach community on a near daily basis. The Jj has $14.2 million in career AdSense earnings.

"The Jj's very happy with his life and wants to focus on his family, but he won't be afraid to use his time off to take Lars to the hole and score on him at will" the source told the Times.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

HSC...More Preppy Than SMU

Once again, I have defeated my nemesis. It's not easy being the Jj, and even less easy being Lars. This just released poll right rightfully places my alma mater at the top of the most preppie colleges in America. SMU, Lars' former stomping grounds came in a distant 9th on the list. Oh snap....if you will.

HSC is clearly the most preppy school in the land, as the picture above illustrates. Even the illustrious Urban Dictionary knows what's up. "A Hampden-Sydney man is white, rich, well bred, conservative, and drinks more beer than water. It is also fair to say that most Hampden-Sydney men get more play than any other group of guys in America. Sydney owns." Truer words have never been spoken.

The picture above is a perfect example of the awesomeness that is HSC. Notice the array of colored khakis, the Croakies, and the quintessentially preppy staple the HSC belt. These young men are clearly well versed in what makes a man a preppie.

Notice however the SMU person in the picture. He is easy to spot. It's the dufus with the jeans on and sunglasses hung on his shirt like an ordinary Democrat. It's shameful. HSC men would never be caught dead in such attire.

Yet again the Jj's domination of Lars in all worthwhile life endeavors continues. Sorry Lars, you're just not that preppie.

I'm a Cheater

I want to get something off my chest. I'm a cheater. I have cheated on someone who has opened my heart to new music. Who has been there for me when I was down and taken me to higher heights than I ever thought I could go.

But this new girl, she's just so sexy and cute. She lets me play anything I want on her any time I want. I don't have to skip anything with her because she lets me have it all when I want it. I like that. Call me selfish, I want what I want, when I want it. I don't like to be teased.

I feel so naughty and a little dirty but darn it I think Pandora would understand. LaLa is just what I need in my life right now. I'm sorry Pandora. It's me not you. Maybe someday we can be together again, but right now I have to see how this LaLa thing works out. I hope you understand. I'll always remember our great times together, they were really special.