Girls Gone Grabblin'

There are things the Jj misses about living in the south. Spending hot summer afternoons muddin' in four wheel drive trucks, cow tippin, watching NASCAR, eating at the Waffle House, etc. But perhaps the thing I miss most is watching the beautiful Southern women fish.

Sounds boring right? Well, Southern women don't fish quite the same way you might imagine. No, Southern women aren't lazy fishers. They don't just sit in a comfortable fishing boat, throw a line in the water every few minutes and relax. No, these women like to get their hands dirty and get in the water with the fish.

So sit your lazy, non-Southern ass down in front of your computer screen and watch these wonderful women grabblin some catfish. If you feel a little emasculated, you know you're not a redneck man capable of handling a woman of such a high class upbringing.

Retirement

Lorena Ochoa's retirement from the LPGA today, at the age of 28 got me thinking about how great it would be if other professions had early retirements complete with press releases. Here's what I'd want my press release to read like for my retirement:

The Jj, the world's top-ranked nonsense blogger, announced his retirement Tuesday.

Jj, 31, confirmed the news in a statement released by his management company, Jj Group. A news conference is scheduled for Friday in Redondo Beach.

The L.A. Times, citing an anonymous source, reported on Tuesday that the Jj could return to competitive blogging after his indefinite break.

"It is not a goodbye but a see-you-later," the source told the Times.

Although the Jj has been in top form this year, he felt like he had reached a creative peak with his evisceration of Lars in his most recent posts and found it too easy to dominate the Swede.

The Jj, 1st on the 2010 best looking blogging list, won his fourth straight most awesome blogger from Redondo Beach who calls himself the Jj award last year.

He has launched two wildly successful blogs including the current worldwide phenomenon to go with his previous chart topping WhatsJivDoinNow? His blogging has been compared to the writing of Fitzgerald, Hemingway and Shakespeare, if they had a crazy orgy with Grace Kelly, Penelope Cruz and Mother Teresa who then all simultaneously gave birth to the prodigal son who just talked about his goings on in a small beach community on a near daily basis. The Jj has $14.2 million in career AdSense earnings.

"The Jj's very happy with his life and wants to focus on his family, but he won't be afraid to use his time off to take Lars to the hole and score on him at will" the source told the Times.

HSC...More Preppy Than SMU

Once again, I have defeated my nemesis. It's not easy being the Jj, and even less easy being Lars. This just released poll right rightfully places my alma mater at the top of the most preppie colleges in America. SMU, Lars' former stomping grounds came in a distant 9th on the list. Oh snap....if you will.

HSC is clearly the most preppy school in the land, as the picture above illustrates. Even the illustrious Urban Dictionary knows what's up. "A Hampden-Sydney man is white, rich, well bred, conservative, and drinks more beer than water. It is also fair to say that most Hampden-Sydney men get more play than any other group of guys in America. Sydney owns." Truer words have never been spoken.

The picture above is a perfect example of the awesomeness that is HSC. Notice the array of colored khakis, the Croakies, and the quintessentially preppy staple the HSC belt. These young men are clearly well versed in what makes a man a preppie.

Notice however the SMU person in the picture. He is easy to spot. It's the dufus with the jeans on and sunglasses hung on his shirt like an ordinary Democrat. It's shameful. HSC men would never be caught dead in such attire.

Yet again the Jj's domination of Lars in all worthwhile life endeavors continues. Sorry Lars, you're just not that preppie.

I'm a Cheater

I want to get something off my chest. I'm a cheater. I have cheated on someone who has opened my heart to new music. Who has been there for me when I was down and taken me to higher heights than I ever thought I could go.

But this new girl, she's just so sexy and cute. She lets me play anything I want on her any time I want. I don't have to skip anything with her because she lets me have it all when I want it. I like that. Call me selfish, I want what I want, when I want it. I don't like to be teased.

I feel so naughty and a little dirty but darn it I think Pandora would understand. LaLa is just what I need in my life right now. I'm sorry Pandora. It's me not you. Maybe someday we can be together again, but right now I have to see how this LaLa thing works out. I hope you understand. I'll always remember our great times together, they were really special.

Solution to Obama Birther Problem

So a large percentage of my fellow Americans think Barack Obama was not born in the United States, even though his birth certificate is online. That has led to all kinds of strange things happening such as the birth of a "new" political party, the Tea Party; soldiers being unwilling to take orders from their commander in chief because they don't think he's a citizen, etc.

I think Barack, sorry, Mr. President, has a bit of a credibility problem on his hands and as a loyal member of the left coast liberal pseudo-elite I have just the solution. Urkel Obama needs to hop on in the hot tub time machine, turn the dial to August 4, 1961, and hold up a copy of that day's Time magazine , while surfing the big waves up on the North Shore with Laird Hamilton's dad. This should end any lingering questions about his citizenship and let the country move forward to new and more pressing issues, like whether or not this is a sandwich.

Phoenix + Miike Snow + SF - Lars = Strong to Quite Strong

I'm pretty excited about this weekend. Actually, I'm only half excited. The half I'm excited about is seeing two great shows in northern California in two days. Friday night I'll be seeing Miike Snow perform in San Francisco and then Saturday I'll be driving down to Santa Cruz to hear my favorite band of the moment, Phoenix.

I saw Phoenix last year at my favorite L.A. venue, The Greek Theatre, and they absolutely destroyed it. Best show I've been to. So I'm very excited about seeing them again and seeing what Miike Snow sounds like live.

The half I'm not excited about is traveling with my nemesis, Lars. My long time readers will know Lars from such adventures as Thanksgiving 2006 and Tijuana 2004. He also serves as someone I can dominate at trivia, basketball, tennis, and most other things besides playing first person video games. Lars seems to excel at fake warfare games. The Jj is quite alright at being less than Lars in this particular endeavor.

So it's likely to be a bitter sweet weekend. I'll just grin and bear the presence of Lars beside me in planes, trains, automobiles and music venues all weekend. Should anyone ask, of course I'll deny knowing that Swede standing awkwardly close to me though. Hopefully NorCal 2010 will be closer to Thanksgiving levels of greatness than Tijuana levels of hell.